Meetings through applications have become the most common way to meet people; However, this “knowing” often does not distinguish the virtual from the real, it is play “as if” that establishes the limits and influences the language. A mere contact is a friendship, a match is lived and expressed as if it were a real connection, as if the other were in front of us and we were trying to conquer and know.
He pen pal from before (pen pals) has become virtual messages that range from friendship to match for the purposes of amorous and sexual courtship, in some cases with quick comings and goings and in others with the slowness of a letter that takes its time to reach its destination. If before the message was delayed or lost due to the mail, today the same does not happen, the speed or slowness of the message are indicators of levels of attention and commitment.
The links generated by the applications move many emotions, from joy to anguish and sadness due to disappointment or failure, in addition to bringing hopeful objectives into play, especially in those people who seek some degree of commitment. Sincerity and exchange in communication are expected to be present from the beginningHowever, that is not what happens.
It is called Breadcrumbing (“receive crumbs”) at poor signs of interest in a relationship that from the beginning it could have been different, with more presence of the other, but, with the passage of time, it has turned into comings and goings with confusing messages, stickers or memes that indicate that the other is there, but distant or does not decide . This state, prolonged over time, leads to indecision, to thinking about multiple conjectures, to helplessness for fear that if you consider setting a limit, the relationship will end forever.
It’s amazing how the mind generates multiple scenarios to justify the delay of the other: “he must be busy”, “my anxiety overwhelmed him”, “I don’t want to invade him”, “if he keeps writing to me he has some interest”, “maybe he is the love of my life and I am rushing him”, etc.
For the person who wants to be with that slow and complicated other person, it is more effective to justify or rationalize than to face reality once and for all. He knows that he receives crumbs, but he insists with his inexhaustible hope, hoping that at some point his luck will change.
Just as we observe the Breadcrumbing at the beginning of the virtual sexual-affective connection, we also see it in the links already established. Different occupations and stress influence personal time and dedication to life as a couple. The complaints have increased noticeably, sometimes they help to provoke changes and other times they remain in permanent demand with consequences on the mood and stability of the couple.
Generally, these complaints fall on deaf ears and not enough is done, or the faults are always noted and not the achievements. When the couple enters into that cycle of complaints and unanswered requests, the consequence is a demand crisis, that is, only the negative is seen and effective actions are never recorded.
One of the most frequent requests is to improve daily communication and find more moments of intimacy. In both cases, we must avoid explanations to justify the lack of time to be together; Proposing a day or times of the day to communicate and/or meet are ways to face the situation and not avoid it.
The time factor is very important to say yes or no to a virtual relationship. It is suggested that between 7 to 15 days is a good time to establish first contacts and then meet face to face.
Of course, individual times are important, but when it comes to emotional relationships, the passage of time maintaining hopeful messages causes anguish and the mobilization of defensive mechanisms (justification, rationalization, denial, self-reproaches, etc.).
Fearful personalities are more likely to engage in this type of communication that lasts over timethey do not dare to face reality when it would be the most appropriate.
Facing, not retreating, not fleeing, will be the most recommended behaviors, as long as there are no risk factors. Receiving crumbs is an affront to personal esteem, no one should stay in that harmful place waiting for a change in the other’s behavior; If he acts that way, it is already enough evidence to set a limit.
* Dr. Walter Ghedin (MN 74.794) is a psychiatrist and sexologist
